woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize