clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
