I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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