apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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