If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
