This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
