I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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