I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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