Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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