If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
