My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
