i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
