my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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