I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
