The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize