Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
