Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
