I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
