whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
