my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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