I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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