Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
