Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dick very happy bro
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
