why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
