Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
