Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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