You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
