Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
