How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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