i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
