things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
being pregnant is like rehab
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
