I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
3 2 1 whiskey
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
