I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
