Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
