Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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