the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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