So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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