Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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