I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
