Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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