There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
