every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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