We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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