I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
