There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
