Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
it's like iHOP with fire
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
