I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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