I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
