He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize