She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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