New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize