you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
