i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
