Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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