A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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