I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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