I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
